Productivity

So, apparently, more of us are gardening this year, huh? Or maybe I’m assuming too much because of how difficult it’s been to get lids for canning. But I’m pretty sure I heard that was the case. Since our quarantine hit right about the time gardens needed to be planted, it makes sense. And that’s great. I had lots of lids left over from last year, so I’m good! But it got me thinking, did more of us plant gardens because we had always wanted to but didn’t have the time or did we simply need something to do?
Some of us (I should say some of you) have a hard time slowing down. I have no problem sitting on my couch and binge watching an entire season of 9-1-1 in a day. But some of us feel the need to constantly be productive. And personally, I’d rather be a producer in life than just a consumer. Obviously, though, we all need to consume in order to survive but often it’s so easy in our modern world to simply consume and not ever produce. And so, personally, I get caught up in the need to produce…food in a garden, articles in a newspaper, words to encourage, conversations in a relationship, even games with my kids. But sometimes, I’ve found, that production isn’t always the best thing to do.
Henri Nouwen writes that productivity can be our primary way of dealing with self-doubt. And when it is, we are increasingly vulnerable to rejection and criticism which opens the door to anxiety and depression. And that’s me often. I feel validated when I produce something: a sermon, an article, even just finishing a crossword puzzle, but when that production is criticized, it causes me incredible anxiety. One Sunday a while ago I had put the words on the screen for our church so that we could all sing along to the hymns. And I felt pretty good about it, until someone noticed a typo and commented on it. I can still remember the anxiety from such a simple critique. Since I had used what I had accomplished to cover up my own personal doubt, when a mistake was noticed, it hurt.
And so what I’ve learned, and am still trying to learn, is that my worth and my value are not tied up into anything I produce. As much as I am uplifted by someone’s kind words and encouragement, I know that I need to let those roll off me just like the criticism I receive or my life can easily become about my ability to produce. While the truth is, I already have innate, intrinsic and immeasurably deep value. And I need to remember that producing can cause me more pain than good. I pray you know that well, too. God bless.