We Not Me

Consider this as an advertisement on marriage: “[A groom] knows what love is. It’s death. If lovers don’t know this, they are headed for trouble. Never will you have your way again. You can’t be happy if this other person isn’t. No matter who wins the argument, you lose. Always.”
Now, that sounds pretty negative, right? Seems to be a strong warning even. However, I think this could be said of both brides and grooms. In fact, I would say that this should be true of all of our relationships: friends, siblings, parent-child, church community, etc. Because when we enter into a relationship, especially where we commit to being a part of that relationship in some way, this advertisement is true.
For example, ‘it’s death’, to me, means that relationships, especially marriage, are designed to be until ‘death do us part.’ They may change over time to a varying degree, but I believe that all relationships should be considered to be life-long, because that’s the only mindset that allows them to last.
‘Never will you have your way again’ is a hard one for me, but then again, it isn’t about ‘me’, but about ‘us’. This is incredibly true in a marriage, but it’s also true for other relationships. All of our decisions should be focused on what is best for those in our life: friends, kids, the community. Obviously when push comes to shove, we might choose something better for those closer to us even if it’s not as good for others, but we should always have the overall best for everyone in mind.
‘You can’t be happy if the other person isn’t’ is a little difficult, too, and probably the only one that isn’t entirely true. You can be happy when the other person is not, but maybe we shouldn’t be. Because if the other person isn’t happy, no matter who it is, as part of community, I should share that grief, right? Romans 12.15 even tells us, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”
And, for me, the key to this entire quote is ‘no matter who wins the argument, you lose’. I love arguments (though I like to call them discussions), and I love winning at everything. So, it’s hard not to engage with others without trying to win. But when I win, in the end, I lose, because usually the relationship suffers when there’s a ‘loser’, right? This is so clear in marriage because every time one spouse wins an argument, the marriage suffers. The relationship isn’t better when one side ‘wins’. Therefore, the goal of all arguments is finding a way for everyone to ‘win’ or at least to make sure the ‘loser’ feels loved in the midst of it.
And so, I pray that all of us can find ways to have better relationships by thinking of the ‘we’ rather than the ‘me’. God bless.